Cook a live one!
Is this the future of light entertainment?
The chemical formula for the cremated ash of a human body is Ca3(PO4)2. It is more commonly referred to as Calcium Phosphate.
All carbon-based mammals make the same compound, although furry ones may contain more keratin and melanin. Either way, Calcium Phosphate is completely sterile. It is useless as a fertiliser, so there’s no point spreading Uncle Bill’s ashes on his allotment expecting a bumper harvest.
Interestingly, Calcium Phosphate can be used as a countermeasure against exposure to radioactive strontium and radium in a living human.
To make Calcium Phosphate, extreme heat must be applied. This usually involves fire. The thing with fire is, when uncontrolled, it destroys everything in its path. It doesn’t care who or what it consumes; it is a leveller and an equal opportunist. It’s mindset, so to speak, is simple, black and white. However, when controlled, it can also be used to create culinary masterpieces.
However, there’s nothing simple about roasting a human body. No, it is an art. Nevertheless, you will never discover any chefs working their magic in crematoria. But, perhaps they should, if only for entertainment.
Indulge my flight of fancy and picture, if you will, a tetchy, moustachioed celebrity chef cajoling contestants on a new TV sensation, “Cook a live one!” In the chapel, Chef winks at the camera and curses out the mourners for their miserable expressions. At the carefully staged wake, Chef drools over the vol aux vents and spun sugar creations that rival the widow’s hat. He banters with sad relatives delivering their heartfelt eulogies.
Then, when the fire is out and the speeches are done, the congregation casts their votes. The compere shouts at the camera, “Who gets to be cooked this week? Will it be Mavis who died of chronic liver disease, bashful Brian whose heart fatally failed or Doris, the brain-dead diabetic? The lines are open, so vote now!”
And the music for this box-set series? Why, Soul, of course. After all, a little culture is needed on solemn occasions.
Linked: Gorm Paralysed
Contributory thinking: 1984 by George Orwell
Pictures: The Director by Jim Cramer
The Widow by Lisa Yount
Fire Hydrant by Krimhild Kersting
© Rod McRiven 2024
mcriven.com 
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