SCIENCE NEWS:
400 Million-Year-Old “Humans” Unearthed
discovery of two proto-human species rewrites earth’s prehistory
Overture
In the year 2000 CE, while excavating deep beneath the Earth’s crust, Scientists* discovered indisputable evidence of not one but two previously unknown proto-human species at least 400,000,000 years old.
Everyone knows the Earth has existed for something like five billion years and that Homo sapiens have been around for only 401,703 of those years. That’s roughly 0.008% of the Earth’s entire existence.
Given that a new species can evolve every 5 to 10 million years, logically, we are probably not the only civilised creatures ever to roam this glorious globe.
As it turns out, we’re almost certainly, probably, definitely not.
*Words like this are emphasised because they’re proper Scientists, with lanyards and certificates, who smoke pipes and know lots of stuff. Respect.
Warning!
A lot of people will be very grumpy with me for speaking out about certain things they would rather keep secret. Mainly scurrilous scallywags in positions of power, who think they are much more important than anyone else.
The truth will out! And I’m not talking about naming the Ministers who cheat at cribbage or about the stash of whiskey C* nicked from the sub-basement bar at Albert Embankment. She really should know better than to try kidding a kidder. Oh, no, I’m talking about proper scoundrels from the upper echelons. Demons from the dark side of government who never sleep until bedtime. The sort you wouldn’t want to rub up against, ever.
I’m also breaking almost every little-known rule of proper science by revealing what I know, so I’m putting my brave face on and, in the tradition of great truth-sayers like Julian Assange and Chelsea Manning, I’m holding no bars. Although I will be bolting the door and wearing a stab vest. Now that you are privy to the information I am about to divulge, I strongly advise you to do the same.
*Perhaps free access to whiskey is one of the better perks for being the head of the British Secret Intelligence Service.
Genesis
How these revelations came to light is a fascinating story that began 500 years ago, in the 1500s, when Experts like Hieronymus Bosch, Pieter Bruegel, and Matthias Grünewald explored, through their art, the possibility that other civilisations had emerged and disappeared long before we came on the scene.
Frankly, I’ve always thought those guys were a bit limp-wristed in their pursuit of scientific truths; nevertheless, over the subsequent few hundred years something must have eventually penetrated the veils of apathy amongst the Intelligentsia because, in the 1800s, grumpy old men such as Jean-Baptiste Lumpsick, Curly Buff-Ffoone, and Charles D’Arwin took up the baton and began taking perilous holidays abroad and talking to people who had actually read some old books.
Not before time, one drunken night in 1879, those olden-day Experts hefted their weighty ledgers and painstakingly sketched out a tantalising theory that there had indeed been a previous manifestation of humanoid civilisation.
Unfortunately, the news was hushed up by agents of the Empire, and thus it remained secret until 2000 CE, when a student at the renowned Fah-Kin-Soo-Pah University stumbled upon a table napkin covered in random scribbles. She was very, very drunk at the time; even so, she felt in her bones that it was much, much more than just a discarded dribble wiper; everybody knows that only genuine geniuses doodle on napkins. After all, she did it all the time, so she stuffed it in her fanny-bag, hoping to make use of it in one of her upcoming dissertations. Also, it would come in handy if she sicked up all the vodka she’d poured down her neck.
Thankfully, she made no chunder chutney that night, and the next morning it accidentally fell out and into her shaking hands. On closer inspection, the squiggles and schematics made one jot of sense. Pointless scribbling, she decided, definitely not made by a genius. She threw it out the window, disgusted that she’d have to do some actual work for a change.
The napkin, caught by a gentle breeze, floated around for a while until it got bored, then, like a Faery of Fortune, drifted through the half-open window of a smart Georgian mansion-house and landed on the desk of none other than the very prominent Scientific Researchologist, Doctor Spankpansy-Hardde. Naturally, the good doctor knew nothing of the drunken student because I imagined that whole scenario for the sake of subjective scientific analysis and dramatic effect.
Some weeks later, when reciting the tale of how he came by such an important artefact to a group of very important Scientists at the Royal Society, he said:
“It floated in through my window on a gust. I snatched it up thinking it must be some oiks’ filthy snot-rag, chucked away without a care for the infections and foul abominations he would be spreading. I don’t know what made me look at it; it could have been the titivating smudge of bright red lipstick. I don’t know. But I did, and it hit me like a thunderbolt when I recognised the unmistakable scrawl of none other than Professor Tid Li Po. Gentlemen, this humble napkin I present to you today contains no less than the esteemed Professor’s entire theory of proto-human evolution.”
Cue heavy clapping and a rising cloud of dust from the nodding heads of the bewildered, bewhiskered and doddering ladies and gentlemen in the audience.
A couple of years later, in a frenzy of excitement, a team of Scientists, under the Doctor’s watchful eye, began exploring deep beneath the Earth’s crust using the most complicated technology imaginable. For the next two decades, they kept digging, testing the material they unearthed, and questioning themselves regularly whilst conducting highly improbable forensic research. Finally, on April 1st, exactly 401,683 years after our Homo sapiens ancestors mutated into our current form, Doctor Spankpansy-Hardde held a press conference and proudly announced:
“We in the Scientific Community have concluded, without fear of jeopardisation, that there were almost probably definitely not one but quite possibly two previously unknown humanoid species that may have lived on Earth before we did.”
Upon hearing this astounding proclamation, the nation immediately fell into a state of mass unconsciousness, and the good Doctor was deeply affected by the unprecedented lack of celebrations.
Yup, you’ve got it, the Powers that Be had, again, swung into action and secured a super-injunction that prevented any and all disclosure of any and all details pertaining to any and all of the subject(s) by anyone or any object whether inert, dead or living (including family pets) on pain of ghastly and irrovokable things happening to your person, and persons aquainted with your person, including but not limited to friends and relatives of your person, persons related to your person’s friends’ person and your person’s relatives’ person, and sundry persons yet to be identified by mercilessly hunting them down. Although, in all fairness, whispering the word “Palaeontology” wasn’t forbidden, probably because they couldn’t spell it. Fortunately, most of the bewhiskered old heads were at Death’s door anyway, so the Deep State only needed to take drastic action in a couple of instances. Sad to report, Doctor Spankpansy-Hardde was never heard of again. Hence the reason I wear a stab vest.
Despite the Deep State’s dastardly intervention, we in the Scientific Community knew the truth. We just knew. Naturally, there were rumours; there are always rumours (we use the word conjectures because it has a mysterious quality), but the pitch and volume of said secret conjectures were like nothing I had previously experienced. In the end, here at The Institute, my curiosity was piqued to such an extent that I could no longer leave the itch unscratched. So, over a couple of weekends last winter, I conducted extensive research on social media and something called the U.R.L. I soon discovered that many enlightened people agreed with my line of thinking. Proof, if any, is needed that there’s a wealth of strong evidence out there if you’re prepared to spend enough time and effort digging it up. Truths that either align with your own conjectures or can be bent into shape as necessary to fit your chosen narrative.
My work was not done. My discoveries needed an identity, and frankly, it was a task I was ill-equipped to tackle on my own, so I scoured all-night petrol stations, corner shops, and Turkish baths, finally roping together a team of renowned Scientists to form a dedicated committee charged with inventing a suitable name for each of these newfound species. By the way, I firmly refute the accusation, made by certain scurrilous scoundrels, that I bribed them, and anyway, MI5 never found the tequila and nibbles. Notwithstanding the worst efforts of those false accusers, and dodging many a silver bullet, the Dedicated Committee prevailed. My team of unsurpassed Scientists named the first species Phatsak and the second, Nobnobb, for reasons that will become obvious as you persevere with this tale into the dark, fantabulous realm of pre-history.
Over and out for this week . . .
(A portrait by Harvey Wallbanger: Aloysius’s groundbreaking research proving Homo sapiens don’t have eyes in the back of our heads)
Before I let you go, I must emphasise that while specific details of these proto-human civilisations remain a bit hazy, it’s obvious from the mountains of evidence gathered from the U.R.L that both species absolutely did exist.
By way of confirmation, I quote Aloysius Fish of Black Oak, Arkansas (US of A):
“There ain’t no doubt in mah mind, none whut-sa-evvah, I swaar to gawd, not one itty-bitty bit, dem critters was thaar.”
Tune in next week when we shall examine the first of these proto-human civilisations. Read how the Phatsaks lived, loafed, and eventually did themselves in.
Later in this enchanting series, I’ll get to the really, really exciting bit and tell you about the most amazing Nobnobb of them all, Captain Jak Elbalortnocnu.
And, finally, just so you know this is serious stuff I’m talking about, here’s an extract from the oldest known sacred text (more than 5000 years old), handed down by word of mouth, Homo sapiens to Homo sapiens, until finally written down more than 1000 years before any Judaic or even Christian religions were conceived.
It’s from the Rig Veda, Book 10, HYMN no. CXXIX: Creation verses 6 & 7
6. Who verily knows and who can here declare it, whence it was born and whence comes this creation?
The Gods are later than this world’s production. Who knows then whence it first came into being?
7. He, the first origin of this creation, whether he formed it all or did not form it,
Whose eye controls this world in highest heaven, he verily knows it, or perhaps he knows not.
Contributory thinking: Theory of Proto-Human Evolution explained
References: Rig Veda
Further reading: Silurian Hypothesis A Bold Theory
Pictures: Rod McRiven and other sources
mcriven.com 